What Do I Do?

To Thine Own Self Be True

Geesus Louisus Bread and Cheesus

2 weeks into school and i've already had to deal with smoke from a burning swamp, getting chased by the cops, a dead fish, an earthquake, and a hurricane... what the friggidy frick??? i dont think that this is a normal course of action... but on the bright side, i met a cutie already ;)

Gone in the Blink of an Eye

dang. i havent been here in a while. but dang do i got some stories and artistic frustrations that are just waiting 2 bust out

Just a Touch

Just a touch

Just to run my fingers through her hair and watch the sun ting the edges with pink and orange

Just to write a song about how I feel about life so far or at this moment, since it is going quite well presently

Just to lay together on the lawn chair wrapped up in each other watching the sun rise as it paints the sky with colors of wonder

Just to walk through the halls of my house and sing without a care in the world until my vocal chords erupt, and then sing some more with the hope of a second wind

Just to dance in the basement under the strung out Christmas lights, waving our neon glow sticks to the beat of Ellie Goulding’s sweet croon

Just to walk through that park and smell the sweet air in the middle all of the cold metal and watch the kids as they stare at the cherry blossoms with faces full of joy and hearts full of laughter

No.Strings.Attached.

makes life so much easier

[insert sigh of relief]

Awkwardly Pleasant

I just left you. But at least I got to see you at all. You didn’t really seem to give me the time of day, just a “hey! How are you!?”, but I can’t complain, because I did the same. Maybe you were feeling the same as I? not knowing how to handle the situation. Still, it’s just nice to be around you for a time, no matter how short.

So I was leavin’ where I was today and I had a moment about you. I just passed you in the hallway on my way out and I got those nerves again. I kept on and once in my truck I rolled through the feelings that had washed over me and tried to find some light and understanding in it all. Sadly though, I couldn’t. surely others have people that they feel like this about. It seems so childish holding back though. But then again, I like being on my own, not having anyone to answer to. I like being allowed to be selfish and do crazy things only singles can do. But I also like having someone to hold and touch and kiss.  That doesn’t mean I want to complete myself though, like find my other half, because honestly, I have felt pretty content and complete on my own; but only when I’m away from you. When I’m near you, I feel a hunger that only you have ever made me feel…. It’s weird, ya know?!?

Yet in the middle of my reveling… the most awkward song possible for this particular moment popped on

It's always been about me myself and I

If all relationships were nothing but a waste of time

I never wanted to be anybody's other half

I was happy to say that our love wouldn't last

That was the only way I knew to that you

You make we wanna say

I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo

Yeah, I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo

Cause every time before we spend like

Maybe yes and maybe no

I can live without it, I can let it go

Ooh, I did, I get myself into

You make we wanna say I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do,

Tell me is it only me

Do you feel the same?

You know me well enough to know that I'm not playing games

I promise I won't turn around and I won't let you down

You can trust and never feel it now

Baby there's nothing, there's nothing we can't get through

So can we say

I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo

Oh baby, I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo

Cause every time before we spend like

Maybe yes and maybe no

I won't live without it, I won't let it go

Wooh Can I get myself into

You make we wanna say

I Love You

…. So…. Yeah…. That is basically how you make me feel….. ? Well Fudgekitten, sorry for the complication

Passionément

Just finished up my exams for the semester and my brain juices have run dry... SO instead of trying to force something out of my tail end, I thought I would share something that is some sort of genius.

I was driving down the highway with my iPod on shuffle and this wonderful piano melody started playing. So many emotions started flowing through my head at the same time. I had loved this song so much at one point that I had written a 14page thesis on it. It had so much truth and rawness that I can't even explain. So imma stop blabbing and let you watch this work of ear & eye candy.

It's Yours If You Take It: Part II

Today is my last day here in the concrete jungle... tragedy (but I'll be back soon).

So in commemoration of my time in the City, here are a few of my latest pics

All courtesy of my shabby Nikkonosaurus Rex

It's Yours If You Take It

Decided to dust off my shabby old Nikon

'11 Summer Playlist (Continued)

Warwick Avenue – Duffy

Sunday Morning – Maroon 5

Lovesong – Adele (cover)

She Will Be Loved – Maroon 5

Mercy – Duffy

Marry Me – Train

Drops of Jupiter – Train

The Wind Blows – The All-American Rejects

Unthinkable – Alicia Keys

What Sarah Said – Death Cab for Cutie

Sweet and Low – Augustana

Love and Sex and Magic – Ciara

Hotel California – Eagles

Landslide – Fleetwood Mac

Amber – 311

Breathe Me – Sia

Hands Open – Snow Patrol

Scar Tissue – Red Hot Chili Peppers

Thinking of You – Katy Perry

Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer

Transatlanticism – Death Cab for Cutie

Lonesome

“When we truly realize that we are all alone is when we need others the most”

-Ronald Anthony

Lonesome:

It has many definitions, but of these, 3 ring blatant at this moment:

1) (Sad) feeling sad, or causing a feeling of sadness, because of being alone

2) (Desolate) isolated from human habitation

3) (Alone) having no one or nothing else around

A lovely little adage I have taken to heart:

----- "You have made your bed,

------------ Now you must sleep in it."

I’ll Be Your Judas

 (Verse 1)

You have me here burning stolen coals

I can’t even call my musing fire my own

You won’t let me

Just keep on abusing me, just losing me

A consuming fire, flame like a match

So easily extinguishable and we’d be free

But that would mean setting the flint trigger down

Hun, I’m too trigger happy for that

Funny little rush, so hun, let’s just hush

Keep it to yourself

While I play with the blaze

Torch this pretty little house on stilts

(Chorus)

Some say the world will end in fire,

I’m standing here to agree

I've tasted of sweet desire

And you can expect a pretty little fee

I’ll hold with those who favor fire.

Watch their dreams go up in smoke

But if it had to perish twice,

I’d light a match with a single stroke.

I think I know enough of hate

That burning myself would suffice. 

I know that you enjoy light shows

This is one where we'll both pay the ultimate price.

(Verse 2)

You think this is a cute little game

You think it’s okay to be playing God

Some Jesus Christ Superstar

Sorry hun, obviously we aren’t singin’ harmony

You’ve got wrong pitch, wrong key, wrong sheet of music

Stick with the script, then maybe sing a bar

Till you can get with the program, keep that trap shut

Or we’ll close the curtain on you

Forgot to tell you you’re in the wrong Act

You can stop playing ‘holier than thou’

I’m done playing your petty disciple

Almighty, maybe it’s time you watch your back

(Bridge)

Now this fire starting in my heart

Burns through another chapter

I visit those memories

Days when I thought I couldn’t be happier

(Chorus)

Some say the world will end in fire,

I’m standing here to agree

I've tasted of sweet desire

And you can expect a pretty little fee

I’ll hold with those who favor fire.

Watch their dreams go up in smoke

But if it had to perish twice,

I’d light a match with a single stroke.

I think I know enough of hate

That burning myself would suffice. 

I know that you enjoy light shows

This is one where we'll both pay the ultimate price.

(Bridge)

Now this fire starting in my heart

Burns through another chapter

I visit those memories

Days when I thought I couldn’t be happier

We’ve run our course

Time to get on with our lives

Or maybe someone must be crucified

Time to for one of us to step aside

Or maybe it’s time for one of us to be crucified

Exploring You

The sun rises while we’re here in my bed

Wrapped up in the sheets

In each other’s embrace

Running my fingers down your arm

Blue jeans thrown to the floor

Right next to your last night’s lace

Let me in, let it go

Laying here looking into your eyes

I can see into your soul and you into mine

The night may be over but I can’t just let you go

More vulnerable than ever

I can feel you’re just about to give up

‘Til I give you one last touch your faith begins to show

So let me in, let it go

Come with me to the places you want to know

Walls come down, lettin’ me through

And I’ll be the chaser, as I’m exploring you

Takin’ you in while you’re holding my hands

I’ll hold you down through all of these plans

I’ll take you as you’re broken

Let this light love be your key

Whisper all your secrets and I’ll keep them close

Or just say nothing at all

Babe that’s fine with me

Instead, I’ll keep running my finger through your hair

You’re too good to me

So roll in these sheets again with me

No we won’t get any sleep, but it’s you I wanna keep

Here with me now, no time to frown, we’re goin down

Palm to palm, chest to chest, eye to eye, and kiss to kiss

So let me in, let it go

Come with me to the places you want to know

Walls come down, lettin’ me through

And I’ll be the chaser, as I’m exploring you

Takin’ you in while you’re holding my hands

I’ll hold you down through all of these plans

I’ll be the chaser, exploring you

Takin’ you in just keep holding these hands

I’ll hold you down through all of these plans

Yeah babe, I’ll be here to hold you down

Just hold my hand

'11 Summer Playlist

Currently I am compiling my '11 Summer Playlist. At first I wanted to round up 101 songs to complete my summer collection, but after some thought I realized that putting a number to it would be stupid. I just need to put together songs until the list feels complete in-and-of itself.

A few that I have set into the list so far:

For the First Time-The Script
Radioactive-Kings of Leon
California King Bed-Rihanna
Honestly-Cartel
Lovers in Japan-Coldplay
Have You Ever Seen the Rain-The Fray
Vienna-The Fray
Melt My Heart to Stone-Adele
Never Gonna Leave This Bed-Maroon 5
Harder Better Faster Stronger-Daft Punk
Sex on Fire-Kings of Leon
Please Don’t Go-Mike Posner
Love You ‘Till the End-The Pogues
What’s My Name?-Rihanna
Look After You-The Fray
L.E.S. Artists-Santogold
Seaside-The Kooks
Naïve-The Kooks
Ooh La-The Kooks

Give me some feedback. And your suggestions/critiques/adds are definitely a must!

Awkward Eye Contact

I am probably a bad person for this… or at least perpetually awkward.

So last night I was staying at a motel out near the beach. I didn’t arrive there until about 11 in the night, and I decided to just throw my few belongings at the foot of the bed and just veg out watching AFV on tv and surfing the web. Finally my eyes started giving out and I decided that maybe I should hit the sack (this was about 12:30). For a few reasons I wasn’t sleeping well, and I was waking up on 15 minute intervals. The room was hot, kind of musty, and I desperately needed something to drink.

I decided that since I wasn’t sleeping well, I should have a little bit of an adventure. So I finally decided to get up out of the bed at about 2 to turn on the air conditioner and get something to drink. Fixing the settings of the air conditioner was a bit of a trial considering that I was feeling too stubborn to actually turn the light on to see what I was doing. But the real fun didn’t start till I went drink machine hunting.

I mentioned that I was a bit stubborn and wouldn’t even exert the energy to turn on the light in my room, so it can be assumed that I didn’t have enough energy to put my pants on either. Not that my pants were that much of a hassle, I had to rummage through them regardless since my wallet was still stuffed in the back pocket, I’m glad I didn’t, or else the night wouldn’t have been as interesting. The only cash I had left in my wallet was a ten and I took that ten, squeezed it between the elastic at the top of my boxers, and embarked on my quest for the holy soda bottle.

--- Oh wait, I forgot, I couldn’t exactly figure out how to keep my door from closing (since my key was in my pants, which I happened to not be wearing), so I found a pencil somewhere in the dark and placed it on the floor so that the door would catch on it and not lock me outside in the hallway stark naked besides my boxers. ---

Anyways… after jamming my door with a #2 pencil, I made my way all the way down the hall to find the drink machine. I didn’t feel awkward about my clotheslessness at all. Walking around in my boxers felt pretty comfortable to me, but apparently the concierge felt a little less comfortable by my decision in dress. When I walked up to the counter, she wasn’t there to assist my quest, so I just stood there and waited for a few minutes, hoping that eventually she would just walk out and magically solve my problems. When she finally did walk out though, she pulled the “deer in the headlights” thing.  Like you’re driving down the road at night and you see a deer about to walk out in front of you. The deer trots halfway out into your way and then looks at you all wide eyed and what-not. Even though it perceives that the oncoming traffic is going to annihilate it, it is like the deer has this instinct that demands it to make the situation that much worse by throwing itself into the line of danger… exactly what happened with the concierge. She was probably about 25 years old, this heavier set black lady with intricately woven corn rows. As soon as she walked out, she spotted me and stopped. Eyes wide. And just looked at me. Before getting even a step closer to me, she gave a “can I help you with something sir???” ---can you say AWKWARD EYE CONTACT???---

So I proceeded to reach down in the front of where my pants should have been and slipped out the ten.  As soon as I set the ten down on the counter, I realized that what I was about to say was going to be taken far out of context considering my current situation, but my mouth was already forming the words “can you break me some ones out of this?” dang it…

For clarification, I am, nor was I with a prostitute…  but on a brighter note, the next morning I found a spot of mold in their bathroom that I swear was the spitting image of Steven Tyler

First Time All Over Again

I haven’t wanted a girl like I want you,

I think I fell for you that day on the dock

Running round, playing hide-and-seek,

Down by the lake, neon bright plaza

Summer night under the stars,

You’re just a kid, but so am I

You took my heart when you said yours was far away,

I do understand, and I’m here saying the same things

Cause I’m in the same boat,

Thoughts caught in a jar like fireflies

And every time I see you now, it’s the first time all over again

I’ve been there; want me to take you someday?

The lights, they mystify. Walk the street with me

Your dreams can be fulfilled,

And I will be there to hold your hand

I’ll be the one there when you open up your eyes,

Cause babe, when I’m with you, you’re opening my eyes too

You took my heart when you said yours was far away,

I do understand, and I’m here saying the same things

Cause I’m in the same boat,

Thoughts caught in a jar like fireflies

And every time I see you now, it’s like the first time all over again

Hon, I’m in the same boat,

Heart tangled up like my fingers in your hair

Yeah, every time I see you now, it’s like the first time all over again

I’m ready to make those mistakes,

You’re ready to take those steps

They tell us no, step back

We won’t stay back, we’ll break away

Yeah, this is hard, but this is so easy babe

And we’re giving in to this

You took my heart when you said yours was far away,

I do understand, and I’m here saying the same things

Cause I’m in the same boat,

Thoughts caught in a jar like fireflies

And every time I see you now, it’s like the first time all over again

Hon, I’m in the same boat,

Heart tangled up like my fingers in your hair

Yeah, every time I see you now, it’s like the first time all over again

It’s like the first time all over again

All over again

Yes, now this is the first time

Death By Dinos

Just watched Jurassic Park again. Almost forgot how  much I loved it.  And now I have decided to add Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park to my list of future reads.

The Void Ѯ

Slippin’ down to the void, but it feels so warm,

   Like droplets of dew on the pavement only to be dried in the morn’.

These fragile souls make their way through

   But they know that if they wake up their dreams can never come true.

Some whimper, some cry, some even laugh.

   Yes, because they know when they wake up, their dreams will never be true.

Ask Me About My Lips

Is it conceited to just ‘be’ a model?

I mean, a model’s money is made based on their looks.  So most often, a model is aware that when they go off to a job they are presenting themselves as marketable, appealing.  If they are aware of the physical attraction that they create, and put that front forward, then is that necessarily conceited? Obviously, I’m not exactly sure… I surely hope that just because a person is a model, that doesn’t make them conceited. 

I have been a model since my sophomore year in high school.  I have done some pretty wicked jobs, spent some time in some beautiful venues, and been a part of stuff most other people only dream of doing.  Now, you must realize that I am no big time model.  I am not one that is posted on billboards across Times Square.  I haven’t even booked any well paying jobs worth the trip to NYC in the last 4 months.  Let me reiterate that: I have booked 2 extraordinary jobs in the last short bit of time, but not been allowed to work because of… well… let’s call it ‘circumstances’. Anyways, that is beside the point.  But up until now, I haven’t really talked much about it. My motto was:

If you don’t make a big deal out of it, then no one else will.

And just as I predicted, no one really made a big deal of it.  Yeah, there have been a few instances where I have slipped up in class, or my sister (who is also a model) mentioned it, that people have been like “oh, what? Kos is a MODEL!?!”, but other than those few occasions I have had no other incidents.  I just kept it on the down low. 

I think I did so because so many people associate models with some different things, some good, but in my opinion, more bad.  As I said verbatim before, most people think of models as these beautiful people who get paid big bucks to have their bodies made into glorified ads and posters.  Yep, that is sort of true I guess, but I had spent so much time and effort for so many years conjuring up this good Angelic child do no wrong persona and if people knew that I took random trips to model, I thought they would look at me different.  Not necessarily in a negative way, but still different.  Not many people here in my small town outside of a big city really get the whole modeling biz.  I am not at all attempting to say that they are small minded or ignorant, but most just don’t understand that I do the modeling to help support my family and make something of myself outside of this shell of a life, not to be pompous and proud of my 'looks' or whatever.

Yeah yeah, some models may be conceited. Sure, I have met lots of them like that, but I have tried my best to set that aspect aside. So now after sitting here typing this bit, I have come to a revelation: I just need to get over this whole sticking to this being normal jazz.  I need to diverge.  Not essentially be a crazed maniac, but at least be my own self.  Let people take me the way they want, it shouldn’t embarrass me anymore... I think

♪♫ Musique ♫♪

What kind of music do you like?

Me personally: Tec-funk, alternative, electro, reggae, and R&B (and then pretty much anything I can dance or sing to)

I have this feeling, and I’m sure a lot of people have this feeling too, that music is a definer of human existence.  I mean, think back. In your history class, was there ever a period of history that had no form of music? The ancients used music to tell stories just as we do today. 

There is this constant hunger for music within me.  If it ceased to exist, I believe that I might also disappear into the void.  Most often, I find myself unable to control myself and I just bust out in song, maybe even an occasional dance too.  You very seldom find me without my iPod and earphones, and my earphones are almost always wrapped loosely around my neck (and yes, I have strangled myself on multiple occasions because of this habit, but that will never stop me – until it kills me).  My tunes are just that important to me. 

Lately I have been stuck on this dance phase, mostly in private.  I am definitely not as good of a dancer as I am a singer, but I have been having a bit of fun experimenting with it.  Catching the beat, moving to it, it’s fun. Serious entertainment.  I mean, it just feels right to let loose and just move to the tone.  Ha, mi familia may think that it’s some sort of cruel sin to dance (it may even send my grandmother into a heart attack), but lately I just can’t help it.  It’s a form of expression and I like it.  So why not?

Plus, I used to be the sort of person that shied away from attention. I never liked the looks and the possibility of rejection, but now I guess I just care less. Or maybe it’s that I just feel more comfortable.  Regardless of the reason, I’m not that same little kid anymore, I like being in the center of it all.  And what better way to get some attention than from song and dance? I assume that there are very few people on this planet that honestly hate all forms of music, it just has a universal draw.  That is why people flock to clubs, spend on musical devices, have concerts, etc.  We all seem to have a connection to it.  So I’m going to let myself go to the beat and see where it takes me.

What’s practical? What’s logical?

  What the Hell? Who cares?

Stupid Survey, But to be Honest, Thanks

1) This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? When am I not?

2) If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? Would I have a choice? I mean, I did just get caught..

3) The last time you felt honestly broken? In the car on the way home today.

4) Are you craving something? Oh yes, glad you didn’t specify what it was I wanted though haha

5) If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Oh shiznits… I’m going to blanket that one with “some fun”.

6) Would you rather have ten kids, or none? None, kids are an upkeep I can’t afford presently

7) What do you hear right now? “Like a G6” & “I need to wash my hands now”..

8) Is your bed against more than one of your walls? Nada, only one

9) What’s on your mind right now? A girl

10) Are you there for your friends? I honestly try to be, I can only hope that they see it that way.

11) Last person to see you cry? Not sure, I don’t cry in front of people. I like to keep those few moments private.

12) What do you do when you get nervous? I get the munchies

13) Be honest, do you like people in general? I’m certainly not an introvert.

14) How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? Either 21 (oops) or 31 (yay).

15) Does anyone completely understand you? Yes, one person

16) Do you have a reason to smile right now? Yes, because of the previous question

17) Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Yes, but they lost me anyways.

18) Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? No, I would be frustrated, because I know that no matter how you cut it, it will never be perfect.

19) Do you tell your mum or dad everything? BAHAHAHAHAHA… you made it funny

20) Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? I’d rather not see another person on their death bed because of those sticks of death.

21) Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? I assume yes

22) This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Same person I like right now.

23) Do you think more about the past, present, or future? Future, I can’t wait for it.

24) How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Ha, 2 sometimes, 12 sometimes.

25) Are you easy to get along with? I try to be relatively easygoing, but that something you should ask to my friends.

26) Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? No, bug is pretty great.

27) What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? The sparkly stuff

28) What size bed do you have? QUEEN & I FRIGGIN LOVE IT

29) Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before.

30) Do you like the rain? I love the rain, it is the sustainer; but I like the sun much more.

31) Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe, just maybe.

32) Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Table Dance

33) Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? If they didn’t really know me: goodie goodie. If they do: then there is a good possibility for bad news.

34) Who were you last in the car with, besides family? group partner

35) What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? I Am Number Four. Nova, Cave of Wonders, Gavywavykins, & Arie.

36) Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? …yes

37) Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Oh yes

38) Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? In the summer yes. Now, no.

39) Do you regret a past relationship? There was that one. But I would be a TOTALLY different person now if they never happened.

40) Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? Why not both?

41) Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? Nope, I have had a wide scope.

42) Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? Yes, but I completely forgot that she was a cutter… It wasn’t intentional o_O

43) Do you care too much about your appearance? Um… I have flaws, but I’m definitely pleased.

44) Are you a jealous person? No, I try to keep the peace when I can.

45) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nope, but apparently pops thinks I’m Goodwill, the 80’s clothes just keep rolling in.

46) Do you miss anyone? Yes, and yet they are so close.

47) Last person who made you cry? myself

48) Does your ex piss you off? The last revelation I had about them really REALLY did.

49) What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe not going to class?

50) Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? Pssshhhhtttt, hellz to the no.

51) Is there anyone you want to come see you? 2, my older sister & her.

52) Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.

53) Ever given your all to someone who walked away? No, I don’t think I could ever “give my all”.

54) Do you like cotton candy? NOM NOM NOM… yes

55) Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? My most trusted confidant.

56) Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? Well, that isn’t the plan, but who knows what’s going to happen at University… jk, jk… I think.

57) Do you have siblings? Sometimes I pretend I don’t. ha

58) Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Quite a few times.

59) How has the past week been for you? Not good, good, then not good, then scary, then decent.

60) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? A few.

61) What’s on your mind right now? Well, you have asked so many questions that have made me 62) think of her, that obviously she’s on my mind now, dang-nabit!

63) What were you doing at midnight last night? Um, no one! Nothing! Nada! Nothing at all!

64) What is your current mood? longing

65) Who was the first person you talked to today? Bootsie

66) Will this week be a good one? I think it will, but I’m not one to deal in absolutes.

67) Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? Oh yeah, but it probably shouldn’t have.

68) Who were you with last night? Are you trying to implicate me or something?

69) Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? yuppers

70) Next time you will kiss someone? ;) I like to be more spontaneous than that.

71) Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? Whoever wants it. I’m not uptight about that stuff at all.

72) Do you have any plans for the weekend? I thinks so… but I forgot, oops